Honoring Past Januarys

The month of January was notoriously hard for me as a pediatrician.

January in Pediatrics is full of flu, RSV, and very sick children.

January was made even worse for me because, for literally years on end, every January, I would diagnose at least one, and sometimes several children with severe life-altering medical issues – cancer, genetic anomalies, or severe chronic diseases.

Perhaps in adult medicine, this is expected but in Pediatrics, it is very heavy and not our normal.

For me, it almost always seemed to happen in January.

January became not a new beginning, but a time of grief and fear.

January became a month of waiting for the shoe to drop.

I would always try to take a little time off to help me make it through. But I literally would not fully exhale until the month was over.

Every January still, the memories and emotions bubble up. Because I am human.

Every January, I still do the work to process once again that bad things happen to wonderful people - all the time.

But now I carry a tenderness and compassion not only for every one of my January families and their heartaches but also for myself as a healer.

Coaching and mindfulness helped me get to a place where I no longer want to hide and avoid January.

I can show up for January from a more whole and healed, kind, loving, and compassionate place. I can now feel full of love, curiosity, and warmth for the fullness of life - both the good and the amazing and the very, very bad.

Helping others get to this place has been a part of my healing and an important part of how I honor those I took care of.

Helping others to feel whole, healed, supported, hopeful, and excited again is my passion and my gift. It always has been. It’s why I started in physician wellness my very first year as an attending in 2002.

It only took four Januaries as a resident and one as an attending for me to see how inadequate the support for healers was.

In 2023, I decided my calling was to be part of the solution to the wellness and integrity of the healers.

When I started this work, there was no systemic or cultural support for physicians as humans and no acknowledgment that we would need support for our emotions and hearts.

Today it isn’t much better.

Now January reminds me of my purpose. To help all healers know that they are deserving of as much fun, light, joy, compassion, support, and as full happy, and healthy lives as everyone else on this earth.

Coaching, mindfulness, and yoga are all tools to help.

Whatever your personal version of January is - whether you’re a physician or not - please don’t keep it bottled up inside.

You are worth taking time to process it, honor it, and heal it.

Life is better on the other side.