Successful on the Surface Yet Struggling Underneath
Two years ago I was at very low point.
I was working more than full-time as a pediatrician including 2 significant physician leadership roles. I spent my days giving as a physician, mom, wife, and colleague. As a pediatrician, I gave to my patients. As a clinic chief, I built a successful new clinic from scratch with “off the chart” service scores. As a Physician Wellness Chief, I built innovative programs to support my suffering colleagues and to try “to fix” medicine for patients and physicians alike. As a mother, I was raising 3 handsome, athletic, smart, sociable sons and I had managed to stay married for 25 years. On the surface, like so many of my physician colleagues, I looked like I had it all.
Behind the scenes, I was drowning. I was working so hard, in part, to compensate for my husband not being able to work while he was battling severe depression. Being a caregiver for someone with mental health struggles is HARD. The stigma of mental health issues makes it even harder. When it is your intimate partner and co-parent, the confusion and overwhelm escalate. I had temporarily lost my partner and confidante, and was raising 3 teenage sons, essentially solo, while they experienced their own emotional fallout from the situation.
I put on a brave face as much as possible. My friends, my colleagues and certainly my patients, had no idea.
I felt stuck, isolated, frustrated, and resentful. How could I be at this superficially successful spot yet still have so many struggles? I could not see possibilities. I even began to wonder if I was also depressed.
Fast forward to today, I am physically 40 pounds lighter. I work part-time. I gave up a leadership role that was not serving me. My marriage is improving. My husband is back at work. I have become a yoga teacher, a life coach, and I am about to start a 4 month sabbatical.
How did this happen? With courage, vulnerability, intention, commitment and a lot of help. I started with a single yoga class and some deep breathing. I took a few days off. The most powerful shift came from making a conscious decision to put “my own oxygen mask on first.” I committed to taking care of myself and changing myself. When I changed myself, my whole life began to change.
From a space of self-compassion, I was able to risk and reach out to a few colleagues I trusted. I shared my struggle. Through my vulnerability, I found a colleague who was able to help my husband get better mental health care.
Yoga and mindfulness were also key. The path to where I am now literally started with one deep breath. Through yoga, I began to pause, learn to be present, and begin to accept what was. This introspection led me to hire a 1:1 life coach who helped me to see myself and understand that the only person I could actually control was me. With that knowledge, I began to see possibilities. This changed how I showed up as a wife, mom, colleague, daughter, and friend. Ultimately, I decided to train as a yoga teacher and then as a life coach. I wanted to be able to share the power of these tools with others who are suffering, especially those like me, who appear successful on the surface but are struggling underneath. I felt a particular calling to be able to provide guidance, support, and a way forward for those who find themselves facing similar challenges.
These days I teach yoga regularly. I try to help others find self-compassion, heal, and nourish themselves. I hope that after my classes, my students are all better able to share their best selves with the world, those they care for, and those they love.
I have also started coaching. I love helping others open their minds, begin to see possibilities, and choose to intentionally transform their lives for the better in spite of the situations they find themselves in.
This week, I have had several friends and acquaintances reach out to me asking for coaching because “they saw what coaching and coach training had done for me.” This made me laugh because it reminds me of the scene in When Harry Met Sally when the lady at the next table says — “I want whatever she is having”. It also made me proud and inspired to continue on this journey for myself and for others.