The Power of Changing Our Stories

Whatever the circumstances we find ourselves in, we get to decide how we want to think about our situation. This is where our power and control lies. Choosing your story means choosing your experience and adventure of the “one wild and precious life” we are each given. (Mary Oliver’s poetic words)

We tell ourselves stories and have thoughts and beliefs about our situations, whatever they may be. Sometimes we have thought our thoughts and held our beliefs so long we think they are facts or truths.

I thought it was a fact that my husband’s depression and Aspergers were “bad” things that happened to me, to him, and to our family. I wasn’t initially able to see that these were actually neutral facts. I thought, and then looked for, all the ways that they made things harder on me. I saw myself as a victim of mental illness, lack of empathy, extra parental and household duties, financial stress, etc.

I learned through coaching, that depression, ADHD, and Aspergers and lots of other situational and life facts are all actually just that, neutral facts. My thoughts were what made them "negative."

Now when something is really frustrating me or it feels unfair, I pause and breathe. I allow the upsetting feelings to pass through (and sometimes this takes awhile.) When I am ready, I choose to try to see how this may be happening “for me and/or for us.” The situation is as it is and is merely a situation.

Choosing your story, isn’t about making it all “sunshine and daisies.” It doesn’t make behaviors right or wrong. It doesn't mean you don’t have boundaries or stay in an unsafe situation or one that isn't healthy for you. It also is not always easy to come up a story that serves you. Often you just don't want to and you want to be mad. That is your choice.

Choosing your own a story is a tool to help you. Choosing to tell one that serves you and your relationship and your family can help you feel better, so why not?

Resisting reality, and telling yourself a story of victimhood leads to unnecessary suffering for everyone.

Examples of different stories I have found to tell:

My husband is loyal, he is home a lot, he doesn’t go out on guy trips or poker nights. He likes to cook and makes great coffee.

My husband’s differences and struggles with mental illness have taught me many lessons about acceptance and allowing that have helped me in many other situations and relationships.

Our relationship struggles allow me to continue to grow and teach me on a regular basis to be more accepting of others.

Being married to someone with Aspergers and depression has helped me to better support parents of kids with similar struggles in my work and other people in similar situations that I encounter elsewhere.

My frustrations led me to yoga and mindfulness and becoming a yoga teacher which has made my world and my health so much better and allowed me to help so many others as well.

Experiencing mental illness in a loved one has helped me see all the things in life I can’t control and has made me realize it is futile to torture myself thinking I can and/or should be able control or fix things for other people.

There are so many ways to spin your personal story. Different stories are helpful on different days. I encourage you to choose stories that help you.

Choosing your story is powerful. It forces you to take responsibility for your own experience and in doing so it gives you back your power.